The Anti-Mantra #DONTBELIEVETHEHYPE
Has anyone coined the term “anti-mantra” yet? If not, I call dibs! One of my therapist friends recently shared that she teaches people to pay attention to the self-talk that occurs when they’re approaching their breaking point. She explained that most of us have that one thought that arises right before we do something foolish. She was generous enough to share hers, which totally made my day: “I’m a grown [***] woman and I can do what I want!” As I laughed, I thought about mine and quickly realized that I have quite a few. In addition to attending to the words in your anti-mantra, I think it’s important to know the purpose that they serve. I’m sure there are many categories, but the most prominent are: the escalation (e.g. Oh okay we’ll see, Okay bet, Oh word? and pretty much any other sentence starting with “Oh” or “Okay” when angry), the defeatist (e.g. It’s whatever, I give up, I’m sooo done), and the check-out (e.g. Fine, Yep, Got it, You win). Our anti-mantras serve as triggers to behaviors that we often live to regret. They’re the thoughts that we replay throughout our lives, which inaccurately inform us that the decision has already been made. The effort and energy that’s required to be productive after you’ve told yourself that it’s too late or it’s over, can make you believe you’d be better off going back to bed than trying to face one more challenge.
I think of the anti-mantra as the hype man of intrusive thoughts. He’s in the background with a microphone echoing all of your most destructive self-talk. He’s the one who keeps the crowd of negative thoughts amped up after you’ve lost your voice or forgotten the words to the same old negative song and dance. Like any good hype man, he knows all of the words and all of your routines and his delivery is just as good, if not better than yours.
Any time someone dares to critique one of my hot button insecurities (we all have them) I can hear him in the background like “ Go Kia, Go Kia, GO!” and, if I’m not practicing mindfulness, I take the bait and get into full defensive argument mode. The good news is, I know my inner hype man and I know he wants the best for me, he just needs to work on his delivery. My awareness of his voice (which sounds a helluva lot like mine btw), allows me to pick up on triggers I may have missed otherwise. This awareness also buys me response time and with time comes a shift in perspective and increased options!
Example:
Other: Is that what you plan on [wearing, doing, saying, or other action I was hoping was okay, but I now realize I’m not sure about at all] ?
Hype man: Oh WORD? It’s like THAT? I KNOW they’re not talking...
Me: Thanks for caring Hype! I got this. [cue empathy for myself and, on a good day, other]
Hype man: *Drops mic*
I’ll admit that although I’m laughing now, in the moment the Hype Man is not at all funny. He’s typically accompanied by an increased heart rate, an extra burst from my oh so generous sweat glands, and sometimes, to my horror, tears. What I’ve learned, and I encourage others to practice, is that my extreme reaction to whatever the other person is saying is typically, if not always, a reflection of emotional work that I need to do. What the other person is saying may be a reflection of work that they need to do, but that’s none of my business. So here are my 4 steps to managing the hype man:
Acknowledge. When you ignore Hype he gets frustrated and makes you irritable and snippy at really inopportune times.
Pause. You have time! In fact, one of my anti-mantras is “I don’t have time for this!” Use your Hype man as a cue to slow down and examine your options (especially if “I don’t have a choice” is one of your anti-mantras).
Be intentional. This looks different every time, but what’s consistent is that you are choosing to respond (sometimes by walking away) not react.
Revisit Hype once the dust settles. This is the self parenting version of knocking on your kid’s door to discuss an issue once the tension dissipates. “Hey buddy, seems like you were pretty upset back there. What’s really bothering you?”
By taking the time we need, we can stop the cycle of reactivity, blame, and shame. Feelings aren’t bad, they’re informative. Remember that how you respond is always your choice and if ever you think otherwise…#DONTBELIEVETHEHYPE