Gas Station Flowers: Expression and defining love in relationships

I recently learned the phrase “Sometimes money is the cheapest way to pay.” Emotional energy can come at a high cost, but the return on investment has the potential to make us far richer than any tangible resource could. Unfortunately, we're taught that quantity and tangible contributions are more important than quality. The world doesn't always say this directly, in fact we often preach the opposite, but the message is strongly implied. We're taught to focus on money, grades, weight, time...pretty much anything with numbers. My field isn’t exempt from the numbers game; at times those of us in the mental health profession get so consumed by outcome measures that we forget that the experience of being truly seen and understood, maybe for the first time in life, can't fully be quantified or explained.

This push for tangibility manifests far too often in the context of relationships. How many times have we asked our partners to DO something differently, something in our face and super concrete, when we actually wanted them to BE something or FEEL something different? You know what I'm talking about. Remember the time when you went on and on about how they never buy you flowers, but when they came home with a bouquet the very next day you wanted nothing more than to toss it in the trash? Or how about when they complained that you never spend enough time with them so you begrudgingly gave up an hour of your life to watch that TV show they love and they STILL weren’t happy? Here's the thing…more often than not we don't just want our partners to act a certain way, we want them to WANT to act a certain way. Ain't that a head trip? We want it so bad that we scream and cry and punch walls or leave, only to realize that nothing we do, or pressure them to do, is accomplishing our goal.

When we push our partners to demonstrate their love in a specific way, we may be taking away the opportunity for organic expression. We really don't want the flowers (except when we do, but that’s an easier problem to fix); most of the time we want a reminder of how special we are to them…otherwise we'd buy our own damn flowers! Now by no means am I encouraging anyone to settle for less or suppress needs or desires.  All I'm suggesting is that shifting out of reactive mode can help us tune in to what we’re yearning for in the moment. When we pause to spend time looking around in our own heads instead of trying to read our partner’s mind, we can identify more effective ways to meet our emotional needs.

One way we can start to shift is to find ways to honor our needs and affirm our inherent value through self-care. It’s important to remember that it isn’t anyone else’s responsibility to make us feel whole or prove our worth. We can also identify people in our lives who naturally compliment us and provide support. And of course, there are times when we benefit from sharing our definition of love with our partners. We can do this with words, gestures, and sometimes with the help of a good therapist. Like with anything in life that's worth doing, this type of investment takes time and vulnerability. Truth is, even after our explanations and demonstrations, our partners may not understand our requests, but fewer things are more beautiful than when someone honestly says “I don't get it, but it's important to me because it's important to you.”

The look of love changes with the viewing lens. Try asking your partner how they show their love for you. When you assume you already know how they love, you’re more likely to miss little gestures with big meaning. Perhaps when they filled your gas tank it wasn't just about protecting the car’s engine, but about protecting you. Practice the pause; you may find that on some days, gasoline smells sweeter than flowers.